||[Sep. 22nd, 2009|04:04 pm]
Ashley (aka maddy ashy aka ashoftomorrow)
|||||heroes- david bowie||]|
I've been feeling so weird lately and I'm pretty sure that's why I've finally started writing in this journal again. I need a place to write down how I feel at a given moment because these feelings are all so fleeting and unfamiliar to me. I don't think that I can actually give a name to most of these sensations and moods but I'm hoping kind of doing the stream of conciousness thing might help me be able to capture the way I'm thinking and feeling, my hopes and fears and secrets. I think my ultimate hope would be to be able to read them again, however long from when I write them and be able to feel the same way.
Who knows, maybe this desire to record everything is just a weird sensation itself and it won't last but I hope it isn't. I've been longing to return to the way I used to feel about certain things/people/situations but those feeling are lost now because other, more painful and far less desirable emotions have taken their places. If I can just maybe put a little of myself into everything I write then that little itty-bitty piece of who I am will survive in text-form even if it doesn't stay the same inside me.
And on the more practical side of this actually-using-livejournal-as-a-journal business, I need to work on my vocabulary. I've had a few compliments lately about my intelligence (not that I didn't before, it was just usually accompanied by a "but ...." ) and it's really called attention, for me at least, to my extremely poor vocabulary. I'll sit and think about all these social and political and personal issues and I'll develop my own philosophies but I can't express them to other people because of the almost disgustingly short range of my vocabulary. So, that's a problem. And it needs to be fixed. With lots of reading and writing and dictionary.com synonym searches.
i don't think i have any more to say. it's amazing how i can write so much while saying so little.